Safe Snitching

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com
Caption: Hello, Polis?

There is Safe Distancing, SafeEntry and now Safe Re-Opening ( Phase 1,2,3 no less). I think there should be effort to educate Singaporeans on Safe Snitching too. Snitching sounds too Western..maybe we should call it Safe Paotoh.

Before we engage in Safe Paotoh, we need to make sure we have the right mindset, methods and tools to go through the great undertaking of snitching. So..

Step 1 : Find a support animal. Specifically, a horse.

Photo by David Jia on Pexels.com

” We are not talking about some short pony here. You need the right horse to exert dominance over your fellow man”

It doesn’t have to be an emotional support animal – you just need the right animal, specifically a horse, to accompany you in this snitching journey. Getting on the right horse is paramount to Safe Snitching. Without the right type of horse – we are not talking about some My Little Pony here – you may lack the confidence to snitch. Snitching requires mental and emotional effort, so you need a strong holy horse.

Introducing, the Moral High Horse. How do you go about finding a Moral High Horse? Some people are born with this talent, but more than talent, the right attitude – the ‘Holier Than Thou’ attitude – is especially helpful in this step. If you lack that attitude, or your attitude no good, as some teachers say, forget about snitching. Get back to living like a boring human being minding your own business.

Step 2: Use the right tools

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

In pre-Covid 19 times, snitching was done by nosy aunties on STOMP, and its various cousins on social media. It used to be called citizen journalism. What a wretched term. Snitching is not citizen journalism and should never be confused with the term ‘journalism’ at all. You think snitchers got time to write substantiated articles backed by sources? That’s for the slow-moving responsible(yucks) folks – snitchers have to whip out their phones faster than the subject can say , ‘eh’.

Thankfully, there are tools such as the OneService app that are truly God…Government-sent. This app serves two purposes essential to Safe Snitching – the first is that it makes it easy to reach out to official channels. How cool is that. So close to power. Secondly, as somebody who downloads and uses the app, don’t you just feel validated by the government? They are telling you, it’s ok, you can do this, we have your back. This is very helpful for those who are on the fence, especially those who learnt some troublesome German history in Secondary School.

Step 3: Find the Right Subject

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

“This is a negative example of a right subject. Mona Lisa is already wearing a mask properly. Look elsewhere.”

This may be easy or difficult, depending on how observant and naturally nosy you are. During the Circuit Breaker, you may choose to trawl parks, running paths, wet markets or any other place where people may have a (official) reason to be and have a high chance of slipping up (or have their masks slipping off). The more enterprising amongst you may want to try overhead brides too. You’d never know when you might catch a ‘big fish’ – a government worker whose glasses may have fogged up while operating a speed cam and may inadvertently pull his mask down, posing a threat to nobody around him. A threat to nobody is still a threat.

Step 4: Reject all Extra Benefits

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

” Think so much for what? Just snitch la.”

This is crucial. You wouldn’t want to be accused of being corrupt or anything. And this applies both ways. Reject taking and, especially, giving any sort of benefit. The most sinful of all is the benefit of doubt. It is already hard enough for some of us to cope with these CB restrictions and the stress that comes along with it, so why should you, in furtherance of Safe Snitching, be so generous as to give anybody the benefit of doubt? Reject it. Don’t waver. Remember, you are riding a tall white horse and you already came equipped with a phone camera and an official app. Don’t let all that go to waste.

To conclude….

Photo by Karol Carvalho on Pexels.com
” Is that a innocent little mouse, or a rat?”

Those are all the steps I can think of. I am no expert in snitching, so I won’t pretend I know it all. But if it were up to me, because we can’t possibly know everything about a particular circumstance, the advice I would give to a potential Safe Snitcher is to go down to the level of the subject by getting off that horse, and “ask”, or maybe “advise”. But if you don’t have the moral confidence or courage to do it, just give up and don’t snitch. Snitches get stitches.